It has been
argued that hormones are at the root of a mother's bond with her new born baby,
that instinct plays a major role in how she cares for and nurtures her child. I
am not a scientist, and though I don't necessarily disagree with these
theories, they don't fully explain the power of a mother's love.
The world
will tell you that four kids is a lot, maybe even too many. There is talk of carbon footprints and over
population. Someone seriously asked me,
"what are you going to do when you have a fourth kid?" to which I
replied, "just feed him, clothe him and raise him", ya know, the
usual. I expect that the footprints my
children leave on this earth will far outweigh their carbon ones. Besides, there is no such thing as over
population when the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.
Anyway, nine
weeks ago, I gave birth to my fourth child.
Yes, number four. To some gals, adding
a fourth child to the mix is just like riding a bike, been there done that,
it's old hat. Well, that hasn't been my
experience; the fourth time around has been just as novel as the first. The only thing that felt familiar to me was
that moment when I saw my child for the first time, when I was introduced to
the person who had taken up residence in my womb for nine months. All the wonder and worry is answered. It's that special moment when you realize
that for some reason God Himself looked past your weakness and gave you a sweet
baby.
The day
Winston Dash Weimer arrived felt just as sacred as the days child one, two, and
three were born. For a second, it feels
like you're reaching into heaven to hold your child... but then he cries and
you realize you'll never sleep again.
I knew I
would love our Winston, I loved him as soon as I knew he existed. Well, maybe even before that when I kept
feeling like someone was missing at our dinner table. I would catch myself setting another plate or
waiting in the driveway for someone else to get in the car, though we were all buckled
in and accounted for.
I guess you
could say that Winston was a twinkle in my eye and it didn't have much to do
with hormones or instinct. It was just
love.
And so it is.
..we are now a family of six, which we will stay... unless we get a dog and
I don't see that happening... because I
have all these kids to take care of.
I know that
Winston won't be baby forever. I will
eventually stop nursing and swaddling and rocking him to sleep. There will be a time when he won't need me
every second, when those so called instincts and hormones won't be needed. Then what... do I leave my young? That is when mother's love will endure.
The funny
thing about going into labor with Winston was that before I left for the
hospital, I was making my kids lunches for school and putting new laces in
Noel's shoes. I was breathing though
contractions thinking, "these kids will never know what a sacrifice it was
to make these PB&J sandwiches".
Though I literally had a baby on the way, I could not forget my other
babies. Dylan is 9, Noel is 7 and
Prestyn is almost 5. The amount of
fingernails I have clipped, the bedtime songs I have sung, the tough love, soft
love, pure love I have given, and the amount of mother's guilt I have felt is
beyond instinct.
I'll be
honest... I don't have all the answers. I've
never gotten to the point in motherhood when I feel like "I've got
this". Motherhood is akin to
firefighting... except I think firefighters get to take naps. That being said, I'm forever grateful for the
opportunity to be in this labor of love.
The instincts are great, but when that fails, I know I have a greater
power, a mother's love.
