Tonight I was getting Prestyn ready for bed and as I pulled
out the PJs from her dresser I realized that the pair I chose I once chose for
another baby. When Corbet and I had been
married for two years I became pregnant and we thought we were starting our
family. One of the first things I did
was buy two sleepers: one for a girl and one for a boy. I had it in my mind that if I bought the baby
something, then it would stick, that there really would be a baby coming.
The time came for our first doctor’s visit. I thought the ten week mark would never
come. Corbet and I cried seeing our baby
move on the monitor and it was official, we were going to be parents! I signed up to get weekly emails on the
progress of our growing child. I learned
when and how he or she was developing and I couldn’t believe all that was
happening in my own body. It was all so miraculous
and surreal.
When it came time for another visit to the doctor I went by
myself; Corbet had an exam and I felt like everything was under control. The nurse came in with the Doppler. We made casual conversation and I think I
remember her complimenting my shoes… then her face went blank. She told me, “I’ll be right back”. I knew something was wrong because one minute
we were talking about shoes and the next I was left in a room with my own scrambling
thoughts: Is something wrong? Would God let this happen to me? Would I be able to handle it if something was
wrong? Am I not ready to be a mom? Will I get to be a mom?
Eventually the doctor came in and performed an ultrasound where
it was discovered that our baby, the one I already had a sleeper for, did not
have a heartbeat. I looked and saw this
perfectly still image. I saw tiny hands
and the profile of a face, but no beating heart. My doctor broke the news gently and before I
could even think it, he said, “There is nothing you did to cause this”. I could
tell he was sincerely sad for me.
I recall thinking about the sleepers I bought, even while in
the doctor’s office. I remember feeling
foolish that I allowed myself to be superstitious, to think that my child’s
fate rested in a pair of PJs. It was
much bigger than a sleeper; it was the Lord’s will that I not become a mom just
yet.
Those tiny footed sleepers hung in our spare room closet
through one more miscarriage. I once considered getting rid of them, but there
was always something telling me that there would be little feet to fill those PJ’s
someday.
Time past, just like it always does, and now all of my kids
have worn those PJ’s. Today, when I look at them I feel a sense of joy, there
is no sadness attached. I can even look
back, on the rare times I think of them, and recognize that those two
miscarriages were a blessing. I learned
a lot about myself and my husband and even our marriage during that time. I also learned about my faith in God. It is easy to say you have faith until it is
tested and back then, mine was. I had to
come to the understanding that Heavenly Father knew best, even if I could not
make sense of it all.
Presently my life is full, it has its ups and downs, but my
arms are always full. Tonight I held my
newborn daughter while my other kids sat on either side of me with their heads
resting on my lap. It’s hard to believe
there was ever a time when they weren’t in my life and yet, now and then, I’m
reminded that there was once a time I wasn’t sure I would get the chance to be
a mom at all. There was a time when two
tiny sleepers hung next to my wedding dress while I hoped for the day when there
would be babies to fill them. How
grateful I am that Heavenly Father knew better than I did, that he sent me my
babies when he did. I believe it may even
have been His voice whispering to me to hang on to those sleepers because he
knew the eventual joy I would have in filling them.
