A gift withheld

Tonight I was getting Prestyn ready for bed and as I pulled out the PJs from her dresser I realized that the pair I chose I once chose for another baby.  When Corbet and I had been married for two years I became pregnant and we thought we were starting our family.  One of the first things I did was buy two sleepers: one for a girl and one for a boy.  I had it in my mind that if I bought the baby something, then it would stick, that there really would be a baby coming.

The time came for our first doctor’s visit.  I thought the ten week mark would never come.  Corbet and I cried seeing our baby move on the monitor and it was official, we were going to be parents!   I signed up to get weekly emails on the progress of our growing child.  I learned when and how he or she was developing and I couldn’t believe all that was happening in my own body.  It was all so miraculous and surreal. 

When it came time for another visit to the doctor I went by myself; Corbet had an exam and I felt like everything was under control.  The nurse came in with the Doppler.  We made casual conversation and I think I remember her complimenting my shoes… then her face went blank.  She told me, “I’ll be right back”.  I knew something was wrong because one minute we were talking about shoes and the next I was left in a room with my own scrambling thoughts:  Is something wrong?  Would God let this happen to me?  Would I be able to handle it if something was wrong?  Am I not ready to be a mom?  Will I get to be a mom?   

Eventually the doctor came in and performed an ultrasound where it was discovered that our baby, the one I already had a sleeper for, did not have a heartbeat.  I looked and saw this perfectly still image.  I saw tiny hands and the profile of a face, but no beating heart.   My doctor broke the news gently and before I could even think it, he said, “There is nothing you did to cause this”. I could tell he was sincerely sad for me.   

I recall thinking about the sleepers I bought, even while in the doctor’s office.  I remember feeling foolish that I allowed myself to be superstitious, to think that my child’s fate rested in a pair of PJs.  It was much bigger than a sleeper; it was the Lord’s will that I not become a mom just yet.     

Those tiny footed sleepers hung in our spare room closet through one more miscarriage. I once considered getting rid of them, but there was always something telling me that there would be little feet to fill those PJ’s someday. 

Time past, just like it always does, and now all of my kids have worn those PJ’s. Today, when I look at them I feel a sense of joy, there is no sadness attached.  I can even look back, on the rare times I think of them, and recognize that those two miscarriages were a blessing.  I learned a lot about myself and my husband and even our marriage during that time.  I also learned about my faith in God.  It is easy to say you have faith until it is tested and back then, mine was.  I had to come to the understanding that Heavenly Father knew best, even if I could not make sense of it all. 

Presently my life is full, it has its ups and downs, but my arms are always full.  Tonight I held my newborn daughter while my other kids sat on either side of me with their heads resting on my lap.  It’s hard to believe there was ever a time when they weren’t in my life and yet, now and then, I’m reminded that there was once a time I wasn’t sure I would get the chance to be a mom at all.  There was a time when two tiny sleepers hung next to my wedding dress while I hoped for the day when there would be babies to fill them.  How grateful I am that Heavenly Father knew better than I did, that he sent me my babies when he did.  I believe it may even have been His voice whispering to me to hang on to those sleepers because he knew the eventual joy I would have in filling them.