Brutal Honesty

Brutal Honesty

Today Corbet and I took our kids to the spray park, a park with water shooting up from the ground.  Dylan has been kinda naughty and we both thought he needed to get out of the house.  My kids may have cabin fever… or something like that.  Sometimes I feel like we expect too much out of our first born but for the most part he has been an easy kid.  He has been including the spray park in his prayers so we were feeling some pressure. 

So we packed a blanket, picked up a five dollar pizza and hit the park.  While we were at the park I ran into our neighbor.  Our neighbor has four kids and Dylan can’t remember their names (neither can I) so he calls each of them buddy.  Our kids played together and we got a chance to visit.  I was pretty much amazed that she took her four kids to the park by herself, whereas I would not have attempted to go without my husband.  I’ll be honest, it’s not just the park; I rarely take my kids to the grocery store.  I have waited until ten at night or even later to go shopping just so I could avoid taking my kids and that was when I only had two. 

Seeing my neighbor with her four kids really got me thinking.  Will I ever be that Mom that takes her kids to the park by herself?  I try not to compare my mothering to other mom’s because it’s pointless and destructive, but today I went there.  So would I ever be that mom? In the time that we were chatting Noel climbed to the top of the park’s chain link fence, attempted to run out of the park twice and ate another kid’s watermelon.  All this time I was nursing a baby and trying to keep an eye of Dylan.  Had my husband not been there we probably would still be trying to find Noel.  To top things off “buddy’s” Mom was putting sun block on her four boys, which reminded me that I had missed that step today.   Now here is where I get a little more honest… when I saw my neighbor I was hoping just a little that she would not see me or recognize me.  This is a little embarrassing, but I’m pretty sure our neighbors have heard me yelling at my kids in the back yard…maybe even in the house when the windows have been open.  Once I heard them yelling in their back yard and I felt so much better, but Corbet told me they were yelling at their dog, so neighbor 1 Jillian 0.  

After Buddy’s mom saw me, I was glad she did because we did have a nice chat.  She asked me about my new baby and labor. I got over the fact that she brought fresh fruit to the park while I brought a pizza. I stopped thinking about the sun block and the fact that she may have heard me at my worst as a mother through the very fence my son peeks into their yard through. 

After I gave buddy’s mom props for taking her four kids to the park she said “it was not always like this”.  She then explained how she grew into that place as a mom and that with her two oldest being 7 and 9 she feels more comfortable about taking her kids places alone.   She even admitted to never taking her kids to the store.  I realized something important today at the spray park.  First off, I can’t measure my mothering by what other mom’s are doing, it is still pointless and destructive, and second motherhood doesn’t just happen because you have a kid.  Motherhood is a process.  I will be growing into my motherhood for a long time and probably just when it all makes sense my youngest will be leaving the nest.  For now I’m thinking of just chilling out a little.  I will try to remember the sun block, but I just might be the mom who brings pizza to the park.